The loss of what could have been

Este artículo no busca borrar o esconder el dolor de la pérdida, sino hacerla consciente, nombrándolo y reconociéndolo.

In this other article I shared with you, about different forms of loss and grief that I have experienced. What I’m writing to you about now is something quite common, I suspect, and I also suspect that it isn’t always treated as it should be—just like a loss from which one must also recover. It’s about mourning what could have been.

With over 8 billion people in the world, yet you still suddenly dream about your ex—why does your subconscious do that to you? Maybe it’s just your mind generating “content” to release pent-up emotions, or perhaps the urban legend is true—that you’re dreaming about that person because they’re dreaming about you too… or is it energy? Yes… that energetic bond you formed that doesn’t just “disappear” simply because you’re no longer together. Could that be it?

If you have another theory about why we dream about people who are no longer part of our lives, please share it in the comments—I’m genuinely curious.

Getting back to the main topic, whether you feel overwhelming anguish every time you think about your ex-partner with whom the relationship didn’t work out, or your bestie who, by a twist of fate, no longer talks to you, or even the pain left behind by your “almost-something,” all of these situations are a form of grief.

Personal relationships

Mark from "Love Actually" one of the most known examples of unrequited love.

Come on, then—tell me about the time your “almost-something” once said something halfway romantic, and from that point on, you swore that this time the relationship was really going to happen.

It’s not just that soreness of “I like this person, but they don’t feel the same way”; there are those of us who, in our most delusional moments, have built up a whole story in our minds. All those longings—sometimes more deeply rooted in the unconscious than plans with an actual partner—are so detailed in our minds that they’re hard to dismiss.

They say that on the brink of death, people most commonly regret what they didn’t do.

“I should have told this person that I loved her,” “I should have worked on my dreams,” “I should have traveled more,” etc. The same goes for relationships and for all that which didn’t happen but that we at some point wholeheartedly longed for.

Even if we didn’t have something tangible, the emotion was there, the dream was there... So, it’s a loss!

Family planning and conception

Well, now that we’re talking about relationships that did or didn’t work out, or that didn’t turn out the way we hoped, we’ve come to the topic of family.

As a middle-aged woman, I’ve heard countless times: “So, when are you going to have kids?”, “You’re not getting any younger…”, “Don’t think about it too much, or you’ll regret it.” Here I see two problems: first, I’ve been asked those questions since my twenties! (I know wtf society!), and they’ve annoyed me ever since. Second, I’m conflicted by the idea of making a decision as big as becoming a mother based on a race against the clock.

What about those who don’t want to be mothers? Should they spend their time explaining their decision just because the social norm is that women are mothers? Anyone who has completed elementary school knows that bringing a baby into the world requires an egg and sperm to fertilize it—that’s the basics—but in reality, it involves money, time, love, responsibility, affection, a home, and more.

I wanted children at one point, and yes, seen from the outside, “I took my sweet time.” Supposedly, it was so slow of me to decide not to have children within a failed marriage or as a single mother. (Mind you, this is not a criticism of single mothers; I have the utmost respect for them.)

But ultimately, time doesn’t stand still, and hormones and the uterus know this all too well. There is no deadline that isn’t met, no date that doesn’t arrive... And just like that, the probability of pregnancy per cycle for 40 yr-old women is 10%, and by age 45, it’s less than 5%!

In other words, the grief over what might have been—as a woman who is not a mother—is also very real and harsh. Especially when it’s no longer a personal choice, but practically a biological determination.

Bridget Jones at age 43, holding her first child with the dreamy and emotionally available Mr. Darcy.

Life goals

Where has all that time gone—yes, the time I spent thinking about how I wanted to raise my children? That time I spent imagining how I could give them what my parents gave me?

Similarly, I wonder what has become of all the positive excitement one feels when imagining life goals achieved.

I believe that all those beautiful feelings—and their bursts of energy—weren’t lost. They certainly can’t be classified as part of the loss, since at the time they brought joy, motivation, hope, and a whole host of interconnected goals. In a way, that longing gave meaning to our existence; therefore, it isn’t wasted energy.

These types of loss converge on three key points. First, the death of a shared identity (“husband,” “girlfriend,” “dad,” “mom,” etc.) that builds a “we.” The second point is the ambiguous or less obvious nature of the loss, since no one actually died, so life is expected to go on as if nothing happened.

And the third point is the loss of routines or habits that were already a reality, or that you imagined. For example: the shared hobbies, sending each other memes or jokes, calling each other when something important happens, or even thinking about what names you’d give your imaginary children, or how you were going to spend part of the salary from a job you lost, or the complicity you had with a friend you no longer talk to.

Important dates, such as an anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, as well as songs, places, or even smells, can trigger a flood of emotions by reminding us of the loss.

Aspects of Grief

The forms of loss I mentioned above, can lead to situations that aren’t very obvious to those around you, who may not have a sense of the reality you’re going through. For example, physical symptoms can be as subtle as a change in your sense of self: loss of appetite, insomnia, extreme fatigue, muscle aches, digestive issues, and more. All of these are ways your body is telling you that something is wrong.

Important dates, such as an anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, as well as songs, places, or even smells, can trigger a flood of emotions by reminding us of the loss. It is precisely in trying to cope with these and other symptoms of grief that social “acknowledgment” of the loss—or the lack thereof—comes into play. When a loved one dies, we mourn, and others respect that. One would have to be very insensitive and antisocial to tell someone to “get over” the death of a loved one. Yet people are frequently told to “get over” their ex, or to “buckle down” after being laid off from a job, or even that “the train has already left the station” for someone.

These types of losses tend to be downplayed, even though on a personal level they involve the loss of a future one had hoped to live.

With a separation and a divorce under the belt, let me tell you about the domino effect.

With a separation and a divorce under the belt, let me tell you about the domino effect. The marriage ends, and with it, the shared finances, the agreed-upon timeline, and many other “and”s. Grief has many layers, each one piling on top of the other.

In my case, my first approach to divorce involved a lot of guilt over the potential disappointment I might cause my family. Then came the anger—at failing myself, and also at acknowledging my share of responsibility in that failed relationship.

Regarding biological determinism, or the decision not to have children, a strange phenomenon occurs. On the one hand, questions like “When?” are a constant in a woman’s fertile life, as if the choice of motherhood were a matter of public record. But the moment you answer that motherhood isn’t on your to-do list (whether by choice or not), something happens: instead of viewing it as a potential grief, the focus shifts to a health issue!

Walking through loss

In this other article by RuthSah (only available in Spanish, but feel free to run your browser translator to read it) tells us how she managed to move forward after losing her mother, and shares a very useful exercise with us.

The exercise involves visualizing your life and its meaning as an ice cube tray, where each compartment fills up, and by doing so ithelps the next one fill up.

Imagine that grief is like a bridge, leading from the loss to the person you are becoming. Along that journey, there may be more than one truth. Loving the person with whom the relationship didn’t work out, but not wanting them in your life. Facing the decision not to be a mother, but also feeling nostalgia for the family that will never be. Accepting infertility while seeking to build a fulfilling life without biological children. Even though it’s hard to cross that bridge, these are not contradictory realities.

Just as funerals marks death, what could be a ritual to mark the end of a relationship? And what about closing the chapter on the motherhood that never was? I look forward to reading your thoughts in the comments.

As we transform, the grief over what was not meant to be should not be seen as a failure, but as part of the constant experience of human learning. Yes, this matters, and no, you are not alone.

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