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  • Writer's pictureIvy

Should I feel guilty for not giving my baby a sibling?

The obligatory question after having a child "and when are you going to give your baby a brother/sister?" I don't think people do this out of malice, it's just the social conventions with which the world moves (a little invasive in my opinion).

Sometimes it seems that adult life is like a cooking recipe that everyone should follow: you grow up (sometimes from childhood you already dream of being a mother and the number of children you will have, and of course, even the genders and names you will choose), you go to college, get a job, you find someone who has the same life plan as you, you get married, have children, you raise them them and live happily ever after. In the case of women you may or may not have a career and professional development since home care and children can replace them. This is neither good nor bad, simply, everyone has their own path and their own ambitions.

This is perhaps the key point: we are all different, what makes one happy does not make the other happy, and everyone has different skills.

At the end of the day, motherhood is an art that is mastered or not, although of course, given the circumstances it can be developed. And the mothering of more than one child is definitely a matter of capacities: economic, personal, biological, social, contextual... But today let's focus on the personal ones (which also go hand in hand with the economic ones and your support network). It's wonderful to be a mother and watch your little one grow up but this doesn't mean that you want to do it all over again. Perhaps this is the secret, at least from my perspective, to enjoy motherhood: knowing that each stage will pass, that it will not be repeated and that I must enjoy it to the fullest (and this does not take away countless moments of exhaustion, frustration, doubt and fear of motherhood).

We must keep in mind what it is that we can give to our child(ren) without leaving aside ourselves and the things that matter to us in addition to motherhood: our career, our personal development, goals, dreams, social relationships, our marriage, our relationship with relatives, ... but how do you know what your capacity as a mother is? We have to know how to observe ourselves, if we truly know ourselves we will know more or less what our limit is: in my case I never liked small children very much, not even as a child, they bored me and did not catch my attention. I held a total of 5 babies (more by force than by will) in my entire life before becoming a mom at the age of 37. Although I have to admit that there was always a part of me that wanted to be a mom. It was never a "yes!" 100% sure, but it wasn't a bold "no!" either.

Today, even with the difficult moments, because in the end, being a mother is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, I do not regret my decision of becoming one. Although I do take into account that, almost certainly and after having experienced it for a certain amount of time, my ability as a mother is this: just one child. Two would turn me into someone I don't want to be, that tired and drianed woman who barley survives. This version of me exists and sometimes appears when life gets complicated and circumstances beyond my control cause me more stress and fatigue than normal, and, when this version of me appears, I feel sad and guilty for not being able to give my child the best version of me all the time (the guilt is always present when you become a mom). But I know this is not possible, I can't be the best mom all the time because no one is, because we are human beings and we get tired and we have good and bad days, even if we don't have children.

And I think the best version of myself understands that, for the moment, having a second child would be a huge stressor for me that would turn me into that tired and angry person, and that this would not be fair to anyone, especially for my daughter and me. After all, having children is not an obligation, it is a vocation, a capacity.

We must learn to advocate for ourselves, recognize our limitations and sustain our decisions with conviction and strength. Act from ourselves and not from what other people (relatives, couples or society in general) expect from us.

You also have to consider that for many motherhood is not an easy decision and it is normal to doubt, and I would tell you that if you are hesitating about being a mother or not you should analyze your situation: if you are at a point in your life where you have stability (economic, affective, professional, social ...) and you have this itch of becoming a parent you should at least try, always taking into account that things sometimes do not go as planned, but knowing that experiencing motherhood firsthand is a wonderful experience.

Motherhood changes you in all aspects, makes you draw strength that you didn't know you had, redefines you and your goals, and gives you new perspectives. In my opinion as someone who never had a sure "yes!" about the matter I would tell you that, with all its complications, being a mom is something I don't regret, although I'm almost certain that I wouldn't do it again.

Know yourself and identify your limitations and, if you think motherhood is for you, throw yourself into the game because, when the days of exhaustion pass you will be surprised by al the things motherhood has enabled you to achieve. And remember that no one is ever 100% ready to become a mother because no one really knows what they are getting into, it is a wild trip but in the end it is joyful and worth it.


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Comments (5)

Felicidades!! Muy lindo todo , gracias!!!🥰🤗❤️👏


May 15

Muchas gracias!! Que bonito !!!😇🥰


May 15



Jul 27, 2023

I was in tears even before playing the video! Recently started watching Bluey and to be honest I am saviouring every episode, making sure not to rush through them. Luce as a kid would have love it too! Without all the sometimes extreme drama cartoons such as "Candy", "Peline" and the anime series called in Spanish "La Ranita Demetan" displayed. I also remember feeling sad and stressed after watching some of them...But Bluey is so not like that. I am sure this is appreciated by kids and parents equally. Cheers to all healthy, innocent and non invasive copying mechanisms! And thanks for sharing this one! 😍

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