Whatever she wants - giving my inner child what she deserves

Mental health - one of my favorite topics to talk about, so let’s do it! Do you know this feeling, when a comedian is making fun of a very specific group of people and you’re over here like “I do that!”. Well, that’s me when it comes to any mental illness and any possible ways of trying to cope with it (one of my coping mechanism being a good ol’ sense of morbid humor, if you couldn’t tell). Currently, I’m fighting with myself and my mirror reflection, for days and days on, trying to find a compromise: “yes, I’m an adult now and yes, I know that a lot of crazy things have happened in my childhood and I can’t just let it pass, but may I suggest that we just overcome this real quick, so I can function like a normal human being in this society? No? Okay, alright!”

A friend of mine is currently in therapy and she always provides me with her newly-gained wisdom after every session, so I don’t have to try and find a therapist in my area that won’t charge me a whopping €100 for every hour (what a great way to save money...) Lately, she has been discussing the topic of healing your “inner child”, something that’s been on my mind ever since I turned 18 years old and was suddenly beamed in the great hall of “adults”, even though I still felt like a confused kid.

But what does inner child even mean?

I have tried to put it into my own words, but this article described it in the best possible way: "“inner child” is a part of subconscious that has been picking up messages way before it was able to fully process what was going on (mentally and emotionally). It holds emotions, memories and beliefs from the past as well as hopes and dreams for the future." Basically, like a matryoshka - you know, those small wooden dolls with a smaller doll inside, with another even smaller doll inside. That’s how I like to imagine this whole topic about dealing with your inner child - it’s just another version of me, hiding inside of me. It’s not a strange part, that needs to be removed from me, because it is… well, just me. I won’t try to avoid her or pretend she’s not here. That’s not what she deserves, so I decided to listen to her and actively paint out why she’s hurting and why I’m still hurting, even though so many years have passed and what I can exactly do for her. I imagined I sat down with her, her tooth-gap smile in front of me. I asked her: "what do you want to do?" And then I found what my inner child deserves: to be completely at peace at this one place, that made her the happiest that she’s ever been. And it just happens to be an amusement park in Germany.

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My inner child knows where I need to go to be finally at peace again

When I turned 6 years old, my parents first took me and my sister to a theme park here in Germany. They thought it would be a nice change of things and something else, since every previous holiday included us going hiking in the Austrian countryside. What my parents didn’t know at this time was that this very visit would awaken an unknown feeling, it was almost like a switch was turned inside of me and I suddenly saw the world through new eyes. I was 6 years old, barely reaching the height requirement of some rides and was lifted off my seat in every rollercoaster but even though I was only a elementary school kid, I knew that this feeling I felt meant home. See, I didn’t have a lot of friends when I was growing up and found peace in any little thing that gave me happiness: my family made jokes and called me “obsessed” with everything I got my tiny hands on. But I couldn’t help myself - these things gave me joy and hope, so why should I waste this feeling?

I’m a strong supporter of the idea of falling in love with a place. Us humans are capable of so many strong emotions, we can’t just solely say that love can only ever be tied to another person in our life. I’m in love with many places in our beautiful world - I love the town of Lazise in Italy, I always feel welcome in Vienna in Austria and I just happen to feel comfort in a theme park full of adrenaline-filled rides. I love the thrill of shooting down a steep hill and feeling like I’m flying at a speed of a mere 100 km/h. This is where I’m at inner peace, as weird as it sounds like. Child-Sara first felt this inner peace and my adult version is trying to chase this same feeling ever since.

The Europa-Park opened its doors in 1975 and has since then only expanded. Each area represents a specific country and was designed appropriately to fit each culture and aesthetic of each nation. It's a wonderful place.

I’m now 23 years old and I first visited this place, when I was 7 years old, but no matter how old I am, once I step through the huge gate at the entrance, I will forever feel like a little kid again. The park and its paths is filled to the brim with memories of me and my family. When I walk through this park, I feel like the ghost of my child-self is haunting it. I see myself running to the mascots and trying to hug them, I run through the waiting areas because I can no longer wait and I’m trying to wait patiently if the queue is already full. Wherever I step, my inner child is with me and I know that she’s protected and she feels safe. This is the life that I have always imagined for me, when I have grown up and I have shed my skin and suddenly became an “adult”. But I’m still clinging to memories of my childhood. I never once saw it as a fight between me and my inner child, even if I won’t throw out any of my old kids toys and I still keep my super old teddy bear plushie next to my bed every night.

It’s not a fight, because she’s a part of me and I won’t let her go. She's talking to me and I listen.

Just a week ago, I visited this place again. This time with my boyfriend, and not my family. It’s a weird and confusing but a beautiful feeling, knowing that now I’m creating memories with the family that I’m about to start. My boyfriend took a photo of me in a specific place at the park - I just sat down there to take a short break, when my boyfriend pulled out his phone and shot a quick photo of me. When he showed it to me, the image felt so familiar and that’s when I remembered that the same picture already exists of me - just from about 14 years ago! I compare these images. The only difference that I can see is that I got taller, but this is still the same smile and the same eyes, that are just sparkling with joy. There are moments in life that we can't control and there are always emotions that we feel, but cannot really describe it. And even if we're grown-ups and we have to run errands by ourselves, pay taxes punctually and engage in politics talk with our peers, there's always a little child inside of us, trying to get out. Maybe we should all pay a little bit more attention to this little fella. Because what they're trying to tell us is sometimes the only thing we need to hear, whenever we're low on energy. Let's give this one a try. Talk with your inner child, try and find out why you're hurting and do this one thing: give them whatever they need. They will thank you for it.